Donnerstag, 26. Juni 2008

High Fidelity - how to enmask a werber (Die TOP 5)

Lange nichts mehr gehört von unserer FKW-Strategiebutze Tactical Strike. Das dachten sich auch die Lademurkel und fragten mal kurzerhand beim Geschäftsmurkel Jason Bourne per Telefontechnologie nach. Als dieser dann noch während des Gesprächs schreiend aus dem Fenster sprang, wurde eines klar: Die Jungs brauchen mal wieder was zu tun. Und so kam es zur neuen Studie von TS mit dem Thema:

Die TOP 5: Woran erkenne ich einen Werber.

Eigentlich eine überaus nutzlose Studie, da man einen Werbemenschen bereits aus 5 Kilometer Entfernung aus einem Werbezeppelin erkennen würde, aber egal...

5. Der Simpsonszitierer.

Das scheint zweifellos alle Werber zu vereinen: Alle lieben die Simpsons. Denn jeder von ihnen erinnert sich gerne an die Zeit, in der er noch Zeit zum Fernsehen hatte. Und da bleibt die gelbste Familie nun mal hängen. Deshalb zitiert jeder von TBWA, KNSK, TKKG, FCKW oder wie diese ganzen Butzen auch heißen mögen den ganzen Tag über zusammenhangslos die Simpsons. Falls sie also ihr Gegenüber als Werber entlarven wollen hier ein kurzer Test:
Werfen Sie ein kurzes "Ausgezeichnet!" in die Runde. Wer das Wort wiederholt und dabei verräterisch die Fingerkuppen aufeinandertänzeln lässt ist einer von ihnen. Klappt auch prima mit "nukular. Es heißt nukular" oder "Auf zum Atem!".


4. Die Werberbrille.

Eigentlich ausgestorben, aber immernoch fest als Werberklischee verhaftet: die schwarze Hornbrille mit Fensterglas. Es gab Zeiten, da wurde man ohne in keiner Kreativbutze eingestellt. Mittlerweile ist aber Vorsicht geboten, da es sich von Weitem auch um einen Emo, Kunstgeschichtestudenten oder einen Hartz-IV-Empfänger, der "Projekte in der Pipeline hat" handeln kann. Ok, also doch um einen Medienschaffenden.


3. Der Elektrohipster.

Auch der Musikgeschmack kann offenbaren, dass Ihr Date wohl gerade aus einem alten Fabrikgebäude voller Macs und Konfis gekrochen ist. Werber hören alle Elektro. Alle. Wer das Gegenteil behauptet ist nur von den lauten Bässen auf seinem iPod völlig behämmert geworden. Begleitet wird diese Affinität vom "schlimmen Elektrofinger". Bei der beliebtesten Werbertanzchoreo wird einfach nur zustimmend der Zeigerfinger gen Himmel gereckt und mit gespitzten Lippen unterstützt.
Auch hier haben wir einen Tipp für ganz Mutige: Gehen Sie in eine Agentur oder wahlweise aufs Schulterblatt (kommt auf's Gleiche raus) und spielen sie "Remmi Demmi" an. Wenn Sie überleben, schicken wir Ihnen umgehend eine große Portion Spaghelozzi Arriabiazze.


2. Wodka alle.

Die Spezies Werber, auch homo übernächtikus genannt, arbeitet sehr lange. Im Gegenzug wird dann ordentlich gefeiert. Und das bekommen dann alle anderen Partygäste zu spüren: Wenn ein Rudel Werbemenschen ihre Feier entert, können Sie sich sicher sein: in maximal einer Stunde ist der komplette Wodkavorrat weg. Empirirsche Untersuchungen auf gefühlten 127 Werberparties haben ergeben, dass immer zuerst der Wodka alle war. Medienmenschen geben sich's nunmal hart. Und glauben Sie keineswegs, dass sie sich nur auf den guten Smirnoff stürzen. Selbst wenn sie den billigsten Kartoffelfusel hinstellen, er wird schneller vernichtet, als sie "3 Tage wach" sagen können. Seien Sie also gewarnt.


1. Kappu, druff, druff, druff

Der Rollkragenpulli starb in den 80ern, die Trainingsjacke noch vor dem Millenium - eine neue Uniform für Kreative musste her: Der Kappu.
Jeder Werber hat mindestens 3-4 im Schrank. Merken Sie sich hierbei allerdings eine goldene Regel:
"Strahlt der Kappu lila und grau, ist es eine Werbersau. Ist er aber bunt und weit, sind es HipHopper, verzeiht."
Ansonsten sollten Sie keine Probleme haben Werbemenschen in diesem ulkigen Gewand zu erkennen. Über die eigentliche Funktion der Kapuze streiten sich jedoch die Experten:
Er könnte sowohl als mobile Druseleinheit zur Erholung nach einem deftigem Mittagessen dienen oder als Tarnkappe, die die Kreativen vor briefenden Beratern oder erzürnten GFs schützt.
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